4. Apples in the Sun

August 1999

The heat of the day has caught up to us. Beads of sweat make their home between my shoulder blades, and the thin blades of grass tickle my arms. The seven of us girls are a wave of smiles and voices rushing in and out, crashing into each other as we hurry to say everything.

“When do you head to Iowa?” Anne asks Mary.

“In two weeks,” Mary replies, glancing over at the group of boys tossing a football in the yard.

“With . . . ?” Anne leaves the question unfinished. “Both of them,” Mary says, “And my brothers.” Anne nods.

“I can’t wait to start,” Joanna sighs and stretches her legs out into a v-shape, bending the rest of her body forward until she is as flat as possible.

“Florida is going to love you, Jo.” I wiggle my eyebrows suggestively at her, and she laughs.

“Shut up,” she says and pokes my butt with a stick, ignoring my staccato yelp. “I am so excited, though! The coach is amazing.”

Patience pops up from her position on the grass to grab ice from the cooler. “Hey, let’s visit our little gymnast friend in the spring.”

“Spring Break 2000 in Florida?” Anne says, “Yes, please.”

Eve rolls her eyes as she finishes the last bite of her popsicle, sucking the juice off of the stick. “No, thank you. I’ll be hiding from the sun.” Her hazel eyes stare up at the clouds. Making plans for plans already. Her skin is already pinking in the sun but is usually pearlescent.

“Oi, you’re not at Yale yet, Eve. Come back to Earth and play with us,” Natalia teases her as she flicks at Eve’s shoulder.

“Nope. Onwards and upwards, kids.” Eve rolls onto her back to trace the clouds with her middle finger.

We roll onto our backs and watch the clouds, lost in each of our thoughts for a while. Our ankles and thighs overlap in a circle. Not ready for goodbyes yet. We still have time.

“Let’s take turns visiting each other,” Sarah says, interrupting the quiet.

“Excellent idea,” I turn onto my side to poke Natalia. “Nat, you can host us first.”

Nat nods. Northwestern is practically in our backyards.

“We can keep it local for the winter. Our parents would kill us if we weren’t home this time. Is everyone coming home for Christmas?”

The boys let out a wild whoop, and I glance at them. Tanned legs stop running. Hands high-five each other. Stephen grabs a bottle of water and heads toward us. His black hair is slicked back with sweat, with tufts of his thick hair sticking up and out in opposite directions. He looks like a gorgeous, muscled cockatiel.

“Ladies,” He greets us and flops his body onto the ground.

“So formal,” Patience laughs and pinches his arm.

“Just practicing my skills for all of the wing manning I’ll be doing in New York City,” Stephen jerks his head back at the boys. “Since they’re all hopeless causes.”

“Lost causes,” Anne grins with her teeth and hooks an arm through Stephen’s so their elbows lock loosely together. “Come on, wingman, let’s gather the rest of the gang.”

They amble over to the boys to rope them into our circle. Anne’s long legs make her easily a head taller than him.

We lay in the sun and warmed our bodies, touching the reality of two weeks from now and running from it as fast as we could. Life is starting. I chew on my bottom lip until Anne returns with the rest of them in tow. Stephen notices my lip attack and sits beside me, tossing an arm around my shoulder. He gently thumbs my teeth, and I release my lip.

“Now, Shorty,” he whispers into my ear. You’re not going to get mushy on us already, are you?” I smile into his neck, and he squeezes me.

“What will you do at NYU without us?” I ask him, and he laughs.

“Seduce all of the boys,” his eyes gleam. “Finally,” he adds.

“Virgin,” I tease him.

“Not for lack of effort,” he grimaces. “And back at you.”

“This town is too closeted,” I say. “I give Charlie six months to figure it out,” Stephen looks at his friend and sighs as he looks at Charlie, who is busy twirling Sarah’s hair in his finger.

“On his own time,” I say softly.

“Hmm,” is Stephen’s only response.

“Who’s that?” he asks, and I look up to follow his glance.

Two boys have walked into the yard, toting a few beach towels with them. The taller one glances around and says something to his friend, who laughs.

“That’s Henry,” Mary replies, smoothing her hair before standing up. “He went to the music camp that I was in over the summers. Jackson too. The shorter one.”

“Oh. Delicious. The pair of them,” Stephen grins. “But ridiculously straight. They’ll have to be for you girls.”

Mary laughs, “Stop. They’re just friends.”

She heads over to greet them. The rest of us sit and wait. Stephen whispers into my ear and makes me blush. Of course, he knows that I’ve seen them. I flick my sunglasses back down to look without being noticed. I watch Mary hug Henry and notice that she lingers a few seconds longer than when she hugs Jackson. She grabs a few sodas and passes them to the guys while they stand there, talking. Henry is laughing and standing with his hands on his hips, his thumbs are hooked into the pockets of his cargo shorts. I watch him as he looks over at our group, his eyes moving from one to the next before landing on one of us. Hard to tell which one though, as we are still in a happy dog pile of linked arms and legs.

“Hm,” Stephen says, “Keeping them to herself.”

“Wouldn’t you,” Charlie teases, “Before they’re released to the wolves?” He gestures to our circle.

Mary howls, and the rest of us follow.

“Yes, I would,” Stephen chuckles, then stands up and holds his hand for me to join him.

“Come on, Caroline. The tall one is yours. He’s already looking at you anyways.”

“Facts,” Eve replies. “He’s zeroed in on you, ‘Linee.” The rest of the group looks at Henry and echoes their assent.

“For fuck’s sake, guys,” I mumble into my chest.

“So stinking cute when she blushes,” Patience draws her words out slowly and fans herself.

“I’m just hot,” I reply.

“Mmhm. Yes, you are, Virgin.” My face is a cherry. “Now let’s go get him for you,” Stephen waves his hand at me.

I roll my eyes at him and stick out my tongue. But he’s right; I am looking. So I give him my hand and pull my shorts down a bit, telling Stephen to walk slowly. My bare feet brush against the soft grass as we walk. Henry watches me. I think. His sunglasses are still resting on the bridge of his nose. But he cocks his head to one side and smiles. I look at the length of him. He has to be at least a foot taller than me. My brain thrums a bit as we get closer. I like his hair. Blonde and brown and soft, brightened by the summer’s sun, and resting in cowlicks a bit, below his ears. It looks thick. My fingers flex, thinking about curling into it just at the back of his head.

“Hello. Are you going to share, Mary?” Stephen teases her. Mary smiles tightly, but Stephen ignores the cue and stares pointedly at her. Mary loosens her smile from its grip.

“Jackson. Henry. Stephen. Caroline.” Mary rattles through names and gestures at each of us.

“Tall One,” Stephen cocks his head back and looks up at Henry, “This is Caroline.”

Henry’s brow arches up. “I heard.” Then he looks back at me and smiles. “Hello, Caroline.” He sticks his hand out to shake mine. His could wrap around mine neatly. I look at our fingers as he gently pulls my hand toward him.

“Henry,” I nod at him. My stomach clenches. I pull my hand back, he releases it, and then I step back. The handshake lasts for only a few seconds. Everything is proper. Still, Mary watches the exchange, and her mouth flattens into a straight line for a moment.

“Hey Mary, where should we stick our sleeping bags,” Jackson turns to ask her. “We left our shit back in my car.”

Mary chucks his shoulder and leads Jackson back through the house to grab their stuff from his car parked in the driveway.

Henry looks at Stephen. Stephen tosses out a quick “The bathroom awaits!” He runs away, leaving me defenseless.

“Traitor,” I mumble. Henry smiles.

“A setup?” Henry grins at me and cocks his head to the right.

“A clear one at that.” I groan for effect but return Henry’s smile with my own. “He’s not subtle.”

“Neither are they,” Henry points at the circle of friends behind me, and I turn to catch Charlie tossing out an innocent whistle as he cartoonishly pretends to stare up at the sky. The rest of them wave almost in unison.

“Sorry,” I roll my eyes at them and slice a finger across my neck in their general direction. The group just laughs and continues to ham it up.

Henry’s laugh is warm and slides out of him. I like it. Easy and natural. He sips on his drink and then asks: “Single?”

“Definitely not bringing a boyfriend to college,” I smile.

Henry takes his glasses off and rests them on top of his head. I am surprised by how green his eyes are – bright emeralds. “Was that a warning or an answer?”

“Both,” I reply cooly.

Henry looks me up and down and smiles. “Noted,” he tells me, grabbing an apple from the table we’ve been standing by and offering it to me. “Something for you to chew on,” he says, looking at my bottom lip. Darn. He caught me scraping my teeth against my mouth.

“Thank you,” I say quietly, taking the apple from his hand and turning my head to one side as I retreat, blushing. He smiles and watches me.

I’m not used to flirting with someone new. High school was full of people we’ve known for years. Some of us have known each other since preschool. Any flirting done was really just practice for the big leagues, I think, as I take a small bite of the red apple, and look back up at Henry. I lick the juice from my lip, catching it before it moves to my chin. He watches me with tiger’s eyes. A warning sign flashes in my head. I brush it away. He picks up a second apple and bites into it. The crisp sound of his bite cuts through the silence. I step back again and smile as we chew the fruit in our mouths, each of us assessing the other before we choose to speak. I take another bite and watch him as I do, letting my brown eyes widen. His nostrils flare slightly. Ding ding – I win this round.

“Should we join them?” Henry gestures behind me again. “They can grill me for you. Jackson’s making his way over there now with Mary.”

“Sure. But I can ask my own questions,” I warn him.

He grins and says, “Oh, I bet you can.”

We pick our way over to the group. Mary is already introducing Jackson to them. The group has shifted to widen the circle so that we can sit. I pull at my shorts again, wishing that they were just a bit longer, but they hug my thighs. Anne grins into her cup as she watches Henry take my hand to help me sit before he joins me on the ground.

“Thanks, but I didn’t need your help,” I tell him.

“You looked busy,” he comments, dragging one long finger up the front of my shorts, on my thigh, before shifting his attention to Mary, so that she can introduce him.

I hope he hasn’t noticed me shiver. Charlie winks at me. Mary frowns, and I realize that Henry is claimed whether or not he knows it. I pull my legs in and fold them over each other, resting one hand on a knee and busy myself with the apple. Jackson makes the group laugh, telling us stories about the music camp they went to with Mary. All three of them are singers. Henry plays guitar. Jackson is a drummer. Mary plays the violin. So much talent in three bodies. I wonder if they will keep or abandon those gifts later in life. Then I frown to myself. Too serious. I remind myself to be a kid for a bit longer.

I lean back onto my hands to stretch my back. Mary stares at Henry, who is watching me. Stephen watches Mary and does his best to distract her with conversation. Jackson is making Patience laugh. The rest of the group weaves in and out of topics. Henry’s knee bumps into mine, and he apologizes, but there is a quiet smile on his face. I lean forward and roll my shoulders back before I join in on the conversation. We are seventeen and eighteen years old. There is no need to rush today.

Later in the day, the rest of Mary’s guests start to arrive. Groups intermingle and spread out across the yard, wandering to the front of the house and lingering in the long circular driveway, letting their bare feet soak up the heat from the brick pavers. There is a barn with four horses grazing in the fenced pasture. The afternoon sun has lowered just a bit. A few of us are bobbing for apples while others linger around the food. The few acres that Mary’s parents own are speckled by frisbees and soccer balls, and suntanned legs. Mary’s mother is talking to a few other parents. She is a few glasses of wine into the party. Mary’s father smokes a cigar and stands in a corner. He frowns at his wife. There’s a thin layer of tension in the air. Our core group knows enough to stay away from him when he’s angry.

“He got caught at it again,” Stephen whispers.

“Fucker,” Charlie says and spits in the grass. “No wonder she’s downing the wine tonight.”

“Come on,” I tell them, “Let’s go get Mary.”

Mary stares at the apples instead of bobbing with the rest of the small group. I take her hand and lead her away with our friends, eyeing the rest of us as we weave our way to the horses. The rest of us stepped in, leaving whichever spot they were at to join us. Henry and Jackson notice, but I shake my head at them. Henry nods. I suspect they already know some of the history.

“Fuck him,” Charlie says again and leans against the fence, passing his doctored drink to Mary. She clenches her jaw and inspects the contents of the red plastic cup before she slugs it back.

“Fuck him,” I add and whistle to one of the horses by name. We’ve grown up riding them, feeding them, stroking their manes. Seven years of watching as Mary’s parents delay the inevitable, growing meaner with each other along the way.

“I can’t wait to go to college,” Mary sighs.

“Those Iowa boys are going to fall in love with you,” Sarah says, stroking the horse’s mane when he wanders over to us.

“Hmph. I could care less about that,” Mary says. “I just want to get out of here.”

“You will,” Joanna says softly. Mary’s eyes soften, and she nods. Their childhood is eerily similar.

“Fucking right you will, Mary,” Eve says. Her voice is steel and slices through without hesitation.

“So will I. No offense, loves, but I am not coming back here unless it’s to see you guys. So. Everyone needs to get married and have kids in the same week.” Nat squeezes Eve’s hand and nods.

“Right. Then that’s it,” Nat announces. “Everyone’s crashing in my dorm over Christmas before we return to school. We will party with the jaded grad students and the bitter children of divorced parents for one night before it’s back to reality.”

“It’s a deal,” Mary says and looks back at her parents, who are waging a silent war in the distance from opposite sides of the backyard.

“Wanna feed the horses?” Mary asks the group.

We follow her to the barn for carrots, where it is cool and quiet. I still love the smells after all the times I’ve played in the barn with Mary. So different from my parent’s house on a corner lot in the village. We grab carrots from a bucket and lumber back to the horses. Stephen and Charlie tease Mary until she laughs again. I hold her hand and squeeze it three times while she whistles and calls her favorite horse over. Joanna squeals when her horse chews a bit on her hair. The tension sits on the sidelines while we distract Mary from the scene behind us. I look behind me and watch as Henry and Jackson are cornered by a couple of parents. They seem to be holding their own well.

“He’s single,” Mary says. My back straightens.

“Oh?”

“Yes. He’s going to Iowa with me.” There’s a proprietary edge to her voice.

“That’s nice. You’ll both have at least one friend there to start.” I flick at some dust on my shirt. Stephen is ear-hustling. I shake my head quietly at him.

“Yes. We’re in the same dorm, actually. But I’m sure he’ll pledge. He’s a legacy at Phi Psi. His dad. His grandpa.”

Something is shifting. I hear Mary’s subtle brag and am surprised. Neither of us is impressed by the idea of Greek life in college. I shrug my shoulders and let it go. She knows I’m a Tri Delt legacy, but I don’t feel the need to pledge. I wonder how to steer the conversation away from Henry. She’s fired a warning shot.

“Gotta pee.” Anne rescues me. I echo her announcement, and we make our way back to the house.

“What was that?” Anne leans into me as we walk.

“She likes Henry,” I answer her. “Shots fired.”

“Mmhmm,” Anne says. “He’s had his eyes on you since he got here.”

I enjoy the shiver as she waves at him, already watching us. He waves back. I smile, then turn my head quickly away.

“Careful tonight,” Anne advises.

“I know. I know. I know.” I groan.

“Woof, though. That guy wants to eat you up.”

I sigh. I can feel his eyes on my back as I open the screen door, and we cross through the kitchen to the nearest bathroom and take turns. I stare at my face in the mirror and press the cherry lipgloss against my mouth, sliding it across my lips and neatening it with my finger. Anne washes her hands and pokes at my side.

“Okay. Let’s have a little fun. I have an idea.” I look at her warily, our eyes meeting in the mirror before we laugh.

“Okay,” I say hesitantly.

“Trust me. I’ve got you,” Anne winks and leads me back outside.

“Hey guys,” she calls out to Henry and the nearest group. “Anyone for the trampoline?” She heads over there, leading me with her.

“Don’t look back,” she whispers.

We giggle as we climb onto the trampoline, bouncing and rolling as we adjust. A few friends pile onto the trampoline before Henry and Jackson join us. I am the shortest in the group and immediately stand in the middle of the trampoline to keep myself from being tossed about too much. Henry notices and takes my hands as we jump, steadying me as best he can. Our eyes are locked and everyone is laughing. Legs and arms tumble about as we collide into each other happily. Shrieks and laughs, until the group slows down and we fall onto our backs. Henry’s legs are so long. The tallest of the group. Everyone is wrapped around their neighbors, and we take turns examining bruises. Henry’s face is next to mine. I squeeze my fingernails into the palm of my hands. His arm rests just against mine. His hand cups my knee. I can feel the hairs on his arm. His thumb circles my knee three times, then circles around it in the opposite direction before he moves his hand to settle on his stomach. Which is frustratingly flat. I can see a bit of the v-shape and his lean muscles before he tugs his shirt down.

Henry runs his thumb quietly up my arm and watches me blush. Such a virgin, I tease myself, hearing Stephen’s laugh. I look up, and Stephen is standing with a few friends, close enough to be entertained. He winks at me, then returns to his conversation, leaving me be.

Mary joins us with Joanna, and I shift my arm carefully away from Henry. Just a bit. His legs are so long; mine are still intertwined with his, Anne’s, and others. Interwoven like an angular amoeba catching its breath.

Anne looks at me and winks. She hatches her plan.

“Have any of you ever played Spin the Bottle?” She asks, innocent as a lamb.

“Nope,” says Joanna.

“Never have,” Henry speaks slowly, watching a plane fly overhead.

“Caroline, have you ever played before?” Anne asks me.

“No, never,” I tell the plane above.

“Let’s play,” Mary says. She has a look on her face. Determination, perhaps. I realize I might be falling into a trap, but I nod at her.

“Great,” says Jackson, and he flips off the trampoline, onto the grass, before helping Nat and Mary down.

“You sure?” Henry whispers into my ear. His breath tickles me.

“Yes, sure. Bucket list item, right?” I reply, sounding as casual as I can.

He chuckles and steps onto the ground before taking my hands.

“I’m going to rig the game so it lands on you every time it’s my turn,” he tells me as he helps me down.

“How will you manage that?” I ask him.

“Physics. You wait and see,” he says, placing his hand on the small of my back and leading me as we trail behind the rest of them. Anne has linked her arm with Mary’s and is steering her through the other back door, away from her parents.

“Maybe I’ll end up kissing Jackson more than you,” I tease him.

His eyes have a glint in them. The palm of his hand spreads across my back and slips to my hip to hold me as he opens the door for me.

“We’ll see,” he says, but I can see that the challenge has worked.

We descend the stairs to the basement, where the rest of the group has grown and gathered.

“Close the door,” Mary calls up to us, and Henry clicks it shut.

In the middle of the large circle is an empty bottle. Waiting for us to begin. Anne’s eyes are full of mirth. The room is heady with anticipation. I sit next to Anne. Henry sits across from me and watches as I swallow the last of my bottled water, a bit of a slow gulp really.

Mary throws some music on and sits down across from Jackson, who is watching Patience like she is his already. She smiles benignly. Someone turns a few lights off, and Anne picks up the bottle for the first spin.